The Sleep Denyer

Are you a little sleepy? Do your eyes refuse to stay open? Want to sleep, but can’t? Maybe you have  a test you need to study for, a book report you need to finish, or you have one of those last-minute school projects that the kids are “doing” and you are simply “observing.” Tired of coffee? Worried about the sugar in Mountain Dew?

Introducing, for your benefit, The Sleep Denyer. This new “superhero” weighs in near 30 pounds and stands about 30″ tall. Guaranteed to work no matter the need, or the hour. The Sleep Denyer specializes in those late night moments when you absolutely must not fall asleep, or for those nights when insomnia is preferred over a restful night of sleep.

The Sleep Denyer comes fully equipped to handle depriving you of sleep whether you are in a crowd or simply all alone. If you are in the company of some who have selfishly allowed you to fall asleep The Sleep Denyer will go into full ATTACK mode. The Sleep Denyer will call your name, Call Your Name, CAll YOur NAme, CALl YOUr NAMe, and CALL YOUR NAME! Once you have been spotted by The Sleep Denyer you can be assured that your doze does not continue. If you happen to find yourself alone The Sleep Denyer will normally resort to the “Stomp and Prod” mode. The Sleep Denyer will Stomp all over the offending sleeper and will absolutely ensure that they wake up. If the offending sleeper happens to be in a position which eliminates the Stop mode The Sleep Denyer will move to the Prod mode. In Prod mode The Sleep Denyer will poke and prod the offender until the offender is fully awake.

Maybe staying awake is not your need and instead you prefer to be woken up a few times throughout the night. The Sleep Denyer offers this service as well. If you have fallen asleep in the middle of a chapter The Sleep Denyer will wake you up 30 minutes after the house is completely quiet. This abrupt deprivation of sleep will give you the impetus needed to finish that chapter or wash those few dishes left in the sink. If, however, your need is for a middle of the night alarm The Sleep Denyer is available to serve here as well. Whether you just don’t want to sleep thru the night for fear that you may oversleep something important, or you have a puppy that is potty-training, The Sleep Denyer will ensure that you don’t enter that elusive level of REM.

For all of the problems associated with The Sleep Denyer I can assure you that you want one. The Sleep Denyer is more fun than a barrel of monkeys, dipped in hot sauce, and sprinkled with honey and powdered sugar.

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2 thoughts on “The Sleep Denyer

  1. You should have gotten in on the “two for one sale”!!!! Even 6 years later…….they still work!!! Hahaha!!

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